Feelings.

Well, this is a bit scary.

My basis for writing this post is that no one probably reads this and I wanted an outlet for some of my heavy thoughts, so here we are. 



I have this thing called depression, and it really sucks. Like really sucks.

I know there have been short term triggers of it, but I also know that there are a few long term things as well as issues I have about myself which have always been there.

I am "recuperating" at home at the minute as I felt that if I stayed at uni for much longer then I would spontaneously combust or eat myself up.
It's not really recuperating though, more of a breather and putting myself in a place where people seem to genuinely care. Letting the wounds heal themselves a tiny bit.

I doubt it would be a good idea to go into too much detail about how I ended up in this state, because you don't care and I know already. 

At the moment, it feels like different people and events and ailments keep coming up to me with an axe and are hacking away at my soul, which sounds poetic and whatever but it is the cold reality of how I feel. 

A couple of days ago I thought I was starting to see a chink of light, but then something came along and knocked me down again. It was to do with the main trigger of my depression, and it really got to me. Now as well as hopeless, I feel guilt even though everyone is telling me that I have done nothing wrong. The horrible conflicting emotions inside of me are attacking each other and I don't see a way out of it.

I am a venn diagram of vicious circles- my eczema gets worse when I'm constantly worrying like this, and then I get even more stressed because my eczema gets worse, and so on..
I don't feel like talking to anyone or coming out of my room at uni, because what's the point? Everyone has their best friends and they don't really want me around, I'm boring. But then I feel bad that I'm not making an effort or whatever and then people criticise me for not being around, when the reason I try to get out the house is to get space and escape the den of loneliness which is my uni room.

When people say "don't worry, it will get better", I know that it won't. Because I cannot change whatever it is about myself that makes me unattractive, vulnerable and exploitable by others. The current situation I am in will not change either, so I really don't see any point.

I can't get to sleep at night, I've lost my appetite (crazy, I know), I have no motivation to do anything and I can't keep putting my happy mask on whenever I'm around people who aren't my family.


Not sure who will read this, if anyone, but cheers anyway and I hope that my ramblings and misery have not caused you too much grief and that you don't hate me now.


Sorry.

Compulsions.

Right, so my sister gave me the starting point for this blogpost. It’s just a little thing I always point out, so let’s see..

Basically, these bad boys are what I’m talking about:

Whenever I see these instructions, my first instinct is to start singing the theme tune of that old children’s TV programme ‘Come Outside’- "look up, look down, look all arounnnnnnnd, up in the air or on the grounnnnnnnd.."

It’s just one of those things I feel compelled to do! Kind of like how whenever someone says "what a beautiful day" I feel the need to respond with "we’re not scared", from the picture book We’re Going On A Bear Hunt. Do you get those sort of compulsions?

As I tend to sing a lot, like ALL THE TIME, what I also like doing is bursting into song when someone mentions a word or phrase that’s in a song. For instance whenever anyone says the word "sad" I start singing Sorry Seems To Be The Hardest Word (so saaaad, so saaaaaaad, it’s a sad sad situation..) or when people put "baby”"at the end of a sentence I like to sing Voodoo Child (babyyy babyyyy babyyyy, you are my voodoo child, my voodoo child..) Bit weird really.

It kinda works as a natural instinct, like when you touch something really hot you always draw your hand away really quickly. Although I suppose the singing instinct I’m talking about isn’t as practical and is quite unlikely to reduce any pain.

And some words just have to be spoken in a different accent, like saying "oh dear" only has the full effect when spoken in an Indian accent. However, this crazy way of living doesn’t make life easy. The other day we were getting a taxi home and I didn’t have the correct amount of change so I (quite loudly) said "oh dear" in an Indian accent, forgetting that the taxi driver was Indian..  I also said it quite loudly in the Asian food aisle in Tesco, which meant I had to run away with my trolley SHARPISH.

See, these instincts are serious business!

Speaking of serious business, I just made the mistake of getting into bed and turning my electric blanket on when I should be doing actual stuff.. meh, maybe I’ll do some sleeping instead

Farewell!

(so long, farewell, auf wiedersehen, goodnight, I hate to go and leave this pretty sight, do do do do do do do doooo, do do do do do doooooooo..)