Feelings.

Well, this is a bit scary.

My basis for writing this post is that no one probably reads this and I wanted an outlet for some of my heavy thoughts, so here we are. 



I have this thing called depression, and it really sucks. Like really sucks.

I know there have been short term triggers of it, but I also know that there are a few long term things as well as issues I have about myself which have always been there.

I am "recuperating" at home at the minute as I felt that if I stayed at uni for much longer then I would spontaneously combust or eat myself up.
It's not really recuperating though, more of a breather and putting myself in a place where people seem to genuinely care. Letting the wounds heal themselves a tiny bit.

I doubt it would be a good idea to go into too much detail about how I ended up in this state, because you don't care and I know already. 

At the moment, it feels like different people and events and ailments keep coming up to me with an axe and are hacking away at my soul, which sounds poetic and whatever but it is the cold reality of how I feel. 

A couple of days ago I thought I was starting to see a chink of light, but then something came along and knocked me down again. It was to do with the main trigger of my depression, and it really got to me. Now as well as hopeless, I feel guilt even though everyone is telling me that I have done nothing wrong. The horrible conflicting emotions inside of me are attacking each other and I don't see a way out of it.

I am a venn diagram of vicious circles- my eczema gets worse when I'm constantly worrying like this, and then I get even more stressed because my eczema gets worse, and so on..
I don't feel like talking to anyone or coming out of my room at uni, because what's the point? Everyone has their best friends and they don't really want me around, I'm boring. But then I feel bad that I'm not making an effort or whatever and then people criticise me for not being around, when the reason I try to get out the house is to get space and escape the den of loneliness which is my uni room.

When people say "don't worry, it will get better", I know that it won't. Because I cannot change whatever it is about myself that makes me unattractive, vulnerable and exploitable by others. The current situation I am in will not change either, so I really don't see any point.

I can't get to sleep at night, I've lost my appetite (crazy, I know), I have no motivation to do anything and I can't keep putting my happy mask on whenever I'm around people who aren't my family.


Not sure who will read this, if anyone, but cheers anyway and I hope that my ramblings and misery have not caused you too much grief and that you don't hate me now.


Sorry.

People.

(Disclaimer: I'm writing this having been awake for more than 38 hours, so this post may be a little fuzzy!) 

So having made 35 hours' worth of flights in the past 3 weeks across 3 different states of the U.S., it made me realise just how many people you see and interact with but then never see again.

I mean, on a flight from San Francisco to London Heathrow you'd be stuck in that plane for 10 hours and 10 minutes with nearly 300 complete strangers. For those 10 and a bit hours, you eat the same food, breathe the same air, watch the same films and sleep in the same small seats (which really aren't that comfortable). 

It's weird when you think about it like that, right?

Or how about travelling on the Tube, you get on it at rush hour and there are so many people (most of them in suits and rolex watches) who get on and get off and walk down the platform. When you're all crammed in the carriage it's easy to start wondering what people's stories are- where they come from, where they're going, what they're doing, who they know, what they're like, whether they make that same journey every single day..

And the chances are, you've just encountered bajillions of people who you are never going to see again. And the next day you'll walk past/bump into/ride the same bus as another set of bajillions of people who you'll never encounter again.

It's kind of like a bunch of keys- you know what they are, but you don't know their exact purpose, how they're different to the other keys.

All of these people we see but never know are most likely, in some shape or form, connected to us. They might know someone we know, or they could be a distant relative, or they could have the same job as us. 

But what does it matter? Because we'll never know. They're still strangers, just passing by.

Get out there, people.

Summer.

So, hello readers- if you're still there.

Summer is here! Finally. It always feels like we spend the whole academic year longing for summer to arrive, and now, here we are.

My last uni exam was on 20th May, and I'm on summer hols until the end of September, which is a ridiculously long time.. what am I meant to do now? It kind of always feels like an anti-climax; you go from being crushed under mountains of work and revision and the stress of exams and then WHAM suddenly you're released back into the world with absolutely no work to do.

I think it's strange how summer is regarded as the best time of year, but for me it's just a limbo, a gap..

I mean sure, there's the weather (ha) and it is really nice going away on holiday and exploring new places and meeting new people and being WARM for a change, but the majority of it is just not very exciting. Apart from the boredom, what I really don't like about summer is not seeing friends every day, like you do at school/college/uni. Everyone seems to go their separate ways until September.. it's peculiar! 

So with all this time and not much to fill it with, I decided to make a to-do list (though admittedly, this was mainly because I just like writing lists..) but anyway here are ma optionz:

1. find something to make out of the 1,500+ foil milk bottle tops I collected
2. do some reading in preparation for my 2nd year of uni *whimper*
3. make gothic-y candle holders out of pretty, old wine bottles
4. make fridge magnets out of beer bottle tops (there seems to be a bottle theme here..)
5. SELL THEM ON EBAY
6. learn new songs on my cajon
7. discover new music
8. do other stuff

Haha reading this post back, it seems quite gloomy and not summer-y at all.. sorry about that! Maybe I'll do a happier post about Summer next week.. WHO KNOWS EH

over and out.

Snow.

Seeing as it's snowing outside right now and everyone has been going bonkers on facebook/twitter over the snow, I thought it would be rather apt to write this blogpost about snow!

What I like about snow is that it makes everyone happy yaaaaaay :-) Sounds lame, but everyone gets excited when it snows. It always seems to be that no matter how much or how little it's snowing, everyone always gets their hopes up that there won't be any school/work/college/uni/other dull commitment the next day!

Obviously, the most pointless thing is snow that doesn't settle. You get wet and cold and there's nothing exciting at the end of it! Truly heartbreaking.

Rain after heavy snow makes me sad too, just think of all the time and effort the precious snow put in to settle and build up, and then the selfish rain comes and mushes it all up! Sad times.

However, when it snows good, it snows goooood.

Everything looks pretty when it's covered in snow, even pylons and terraced houses. The almost-luminous white blanket makes everything look new and clean and friendly. Snow is really weird when you think about it; it sticks to everything and turns it a different colour. It's just a lot of STUFF all over the place.

One of the many perks of snow is that one can wear wellies without looking weird. Wellies are the best and funnest type of shoe. Mine are black and sparkly so they're mega groovy, ohhh yeeeeeah. I would wear my wellies all the time if if were socially acceptable, but it's not. So I don't.

Out of the typical snow activites (snowball fights, making snow angels and tobogganing) I'd say it's between snowball fights and toboganning. Toboganning is really fun down my road at home, as it's really steep so you hurtle down and get a thrill out of the fact you could die if a car comes round the corner and squashes you at the bottom. But then there's always the trudge back up the hill, which aint fun baby. Hence it would appear that snowball fights win! I am actually a very sneaky person, so I like channelling my sneakiness through  creeping up on people and chucking snow at them/shoving it down their coat- muahahaha.. Also as a war studies student I feel it is my duty to take the art of snow warfare seriously.

So now as the snow outside is becoming more like sleet, imma go back to watching Miranda on BBC iPlayer.

SEE YA.

Lava Lamps.

Let us sit and ponder the psychedelic phenomenon that go by the name lava lamps.

So: what exactly are they?

My definition: A fancy jar containing coloured blobs which float up and down.
British Oxford Dictionary definition: A transparent electric lamp containing a viscous liquid in which a brightly coloured waxy substance is suspended, rising and falling in irregular and constantly changing shapes. (this seems to be a lengthier and posher version of my definition, which I formed before I googled the Oxford definition)

I have a lava lamp. I'd say it's larger than your average lava lamp. (ooh, cheeky.)
It's at least a metre and is pretty chunky, weighs a lot.

I like to think of my lava lamp as a multi-purpose lava lamp.
It has three functions:
1. it sits there and looks groovy, adding to the excitement of my room.
2. it is actually a form of light; cleverly living up to the "lamp" of "lava lamp".
3. heat is also provided from it (which is extremely useful when mum refuses to put the heating on until we're all wearing 5 jumpers and still feeling cold)

I kind of wonder who came up with the idea of lava lamps. Like whether they used to have actual lava in them, or what even the lava-y stuff is made from. It's kind of a weird concept to accidentally stumble across, but then again one doesn't set about intending to create these things (at least that's what I imagine it's like, I've never actually invented anything. though watch this space guys, who knows what the future holds eh?)

Also, d'you reckon it's dangerous to open a lava lamp? Because mine has a (very tightly screwed) cap, and I am really tempted to open it up and see if the blobby lava stuff is all squidgy. IT JUST LOOKS SO FUN TO SQUISH!

Another thing which I'm really tempted to do with my lava lamp is leave it on until something dangerous happens. It's strongly advised that you don't leave it on for more than 8 hours, but I wonder what happens if you leave it on for a lot longer than 8 hours.. will the bulb just blow? Or will the lava go crazy? Will it start bubbling wildly and crack the glass? Will it go into one massive blob? Or would the lava lamp just explode everywhere? That could be fun..

Until I discover the answer, I'll continue to be way too fascinated by coloured blobs moving up and down in a jar.

Library.

Hmm, I suppose a blogpost entitled "Library." probably doesn't make you want to read it, as libraries are not considered very exciting places, but if you're here reading this then you must have a vague interest in what I have to say about libraries- I respect you, stranger!

See, recently I have discovered that a library can actually be exciting (the fact that my university's library is open until midnight does play an important role in determining the fun-factor of my library trips).

Aside from the obvious thrill you get by going to the LIBRARY when it's DARK, there are many other reasons why I'd encourage you to dip into the crazy, wild habit of late-night library visits.
Though firstly, I must say that no late-night library sesh is complete without a bag of pic'n'mix to keep me company during the lonely hours of the night (if you've read my previous blogposts, you'll know I have an irrevocable love of pic'n'mix)

The library is at its most fun between 8pm and midnight, as there's hardly anyone there. That probably makes me sound like a proper loner, but it's kind of eerie when it's dark and no one is around. Especially in the sections where you have to go through so many doors you wonder if you're actually supposed to be going there, and in the places with low ceilings and shelves with turny thingies that you have to twist to move the shelves along.

Plus, going to the basement of the library to find books with titles such as The Age of Total War and An Intimate History of Killing feels so much more epic when the corridors are deserted and lighting is minimal. >:) 

I think people underestimate how comfortable the library can be. The sofas in the "purple room" of our uni library are deliciously comfy, and the warmth of the room makes it soooo cosy that it's almost dangerous when you're trying to get an essay done. However, fear not- for the library caters for all! Up in the cloudy heights of level 5, the drafty windows provide the perfect chill to keep you awake long enough for you to actually be productive (yeah, who knew such a thing was possible? crazy!) :O

Anyway, I'm feeling pretty guilty for not even being in the library whilst writing this, so imma get my stuff together and dramatically exclaim..

TO THE LIBRARY!

wild.

p.s. hide and seek would be so awesome in the library. just saying.

Compulsions.

Right, so my sister gave me the starting point for this blogpost. It’s just a little thing I always point out, so let’s see..

Basically, these bad boys are what I’m talking about:

Whenever I see these instructions, my first instinct is to start singing the theme tune of that old children’s TV programme ‘Come Outside’- "look up, look down, look all arounnnnnnnd, up in the air or on the grounnnnnnnd.."

It’s just one of those things I feel compelled to do! Kind of like how whenever someone says "what a beautiful day" I feel the need to respond with "we’re not scared", from the picture book We’re Going On A Bear Hunt. Do you get those sort of compulsions?

As I tend to sing a lot, like ALL THE TIME, what I also like doing is bursting into song when someone mentions a word or phrase that’s in a song. For instance whenever anyone says the word "sad" I start singing Sorry Seems To Be The Hardest Word (so saaaad, so saaaaaaad, it’s a sad sad situation..) or when people put "baby”"at the end of a sentence I like to sing Voodoo Child (babyyy babyyyy babyyyy, you are my voodoo child, my voodoo child..) Bit weird really.

It kinda works as a natural instinct, like when you touch something really hot you always draw your hand away really quickly. Although I suppose the singing instinct I’m talking about isn’t as practical and is quite unlikely to reduce any pain.

And some words just have to be spoken in a different accent, like saying "oh dear" only has the full effect when spoken in an Indian accent. However, this crazy way of living doesn’t make life easy. The other day we were getting a taxi home and I didn’t have the correct amount of change so I (quite loudly) said "oh dear" in an Indian accent, forgetting that the taxi driver was Indian..  I also said it quite loudly in the Asian food aisle in Tesco, which meant I had to run away with my trolley SHARPISH.

See, these instincts are serious business!

Speaking of serious business, I just made the mistake of getting into bed and turning my electric blanket on when I should be doing actual stuff.. meh, maybe I’ll do some sleeping instead

Farewell!

(so long, farewell, auf wiedersehen, goodnight, I hate to go and leave this pretty sight, do do do do do do do doooo, do do do do do doooooooo..)