Feelings.

Well, this is a bit scary.

My basis for writing this post is that no one probably reads this and I wanted an outlet for some of my heavy thoughts, so here we are. 



I have this thing called depression, and it really sucks. Like really sucks.

I know there have been short term triggers of it, but I also know that there are a few long term things as well as issues I have about myself which have always been there.

I am "recuperating" at home at the minute as I felt that if I stayed at uni for much longer then I would spontaneously combust or eat myself up.
It's not really recuperating though, more of a breather and putting myself in a place where people seem to genuinely care. Letting the wounds heal themselves a tiny bit.

I doubt it would be a good idea to go into too much detail about how I ended up in this state, because you don't care and I know already. 

At the moment, it feels like different people and events and ailments keep coming up to me with an axe and are hacking away at my soul, which sounds poetic and whatever but it is the cold reality of how I feel. 

A couple of days ago I thought I was starting to see a chink of light, but then something came along and knocked me down again. It was to do with the main trigger of my depression, and it really got to me. Now as well as hopeless, I feel guilt even though everyone is telling me that I have done nothing wrong. The horrible conflicting emotions inside of me are attacking each other and I don't see a way out of it.

I am a venn diagram of vicious circles- my eczema gets worse when I'm constantly worrying like this, and then I get even more stressed because my eczema gets worse, and so on..
I don't feel like talking to anyone or coming out of my room at uni, because what's the point? Everyone has their best friends and they don't really want me around, I'm boring. But then I feel bad that I'm not making an effort or whatever and then people criticise me for not being around, when the reason I try to get out the house is to get space and escape the den of loneliness which is my uni room.

When people say "don't worry, it will get better", I know that it won't. Because I cannot change whatever it is about myself that makes me unattractive, vulnerable and exploitable by others. The current situation I am in will not change either, so I really don't see any point.

I can't get to sleep at night, I've lost my appetite (crazy, I know), I have no motivation to do anything and I can't keep putting my happy mask on whenever I'm around people who aren't my family.


Not sure who will read this, if anyone, but cheers anyway and I hope that my ramblings and misery have not caused you too much grief and that you don't hate me now.


Sorry.